I Survived Being A Loser

I remember the first day after I was diagnosed with diabetes. It was surreal and scary. I was walking around in a fog. My balance was upset and I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea of what I could eat or do. My medicine was giving me stomach cramps and all I wanted to do was hide in a corner and cry.

It was kind of like this:

Many professionals that I have spoken to informed me that this is not an uncommon response for someone in my position. I had too many questions that were leading to no answers. I was entirely frustrated and the feeling of wanting to run away and cry lead to feelings of just wanting to smash something into tiny little pieces.

Yeah, ’Bat SMASH!’

The actual process of dealing and accepting the fact that I am diabetic is still an ongoing process. I am still in month nine of my newly diagnosed disease. I am by no means a shining example of what a diabetic should be. I am about 70 pounds overweight and my blood glucose average for the week (as of this writing) is 175 mg/dL.

Diabetes is a heavy presence in my life. It’s akin to a rather infamous albatross that has been the subject of many a story and song. I’m still going through the journey to accept that I am more than the diabetes. I keep having to tell myself that it is only a part of me. It is not the end-all be-all of me. I am much more than diabetes could ever be.

That first day though, was near impossible.

Any grief counselor (or learned friend with a fast internet connection) can tell you that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I bounce between #2, #4 and #5, so don’t feel bad if you’re doing the same with your piece of drama that you’re dealing with. It’s normal and healthy. Just learn to recognize it for what it is.

On the morning of the first day I knew I had diabetes, I was still in shock. I didn’t know what to feel or do. I was lost. Like I said, I was in a fog. I didn’t know why I was blessed with diabetes when I had gone into the doctor to find out how to quit smoking.

At this point I was bouncing between denial and anger. I didn’t believe that I had diabetes. The doctor had to be wrong; especially with how he had told me that I had the disease! Yeah, I survived an Asian Game Show and all I got out of it was a psychological scar and Type 2 Diabetes. Glee.

I still have resentment towards myself and how I got myself into this place where I have to monitor my blood sugar and work physical activities into my life. I was never one to be athletically inclined, and I resent the fact that I absolutely have to get out there and move my FA in order to survive for not only myself, but my wife, kids, and the rest of my extended family.

It’s hard and there are times I feel like just giving up, but that would be letting Diabetes win. And I’ll be thrice-damned before I let that happen.

Now it's kinda like this: